It's been 8 years and I still say the same thing to myself every time I drive my car into the cemetery on a holiday. "I hate this! I hate that this is where I have to come to say Happy Halloween or Merry Christmas to our son." I hate that I'm decorating a small little Christmas tree with our 3 other boys to take to their brother today. As much as I hate so many things that come with losing a child a part of me is incredibly thankful for the life that I have been given. It hasn't been until recently that I started helping others heal that have experienced the same loss that my husband and I went through. Although every loss is different the feelings that come with grief are similar. There is no playbook for grief. I've read about grief more than I really want to. The unexpected stages of grief have been described as denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Before we lost our son I had my own notion of grief. I had lost someone I loved before and I thought you push through it and get to the other side. But, I'm learning there is no other side, there is no pushing through. Rather there is an acceptance. Grief is not something that you complete but rather something you endure. A task not to finish and move on from but a new way of seeing and a new definition of self. The memory the moment right before we lost our son is one I will never forget and a feeling I never want to forget. That moment was my happiest. I was one excited momma to welcome our twin boys into the world. Then everything changed, we experienced a loss like no other. We took one son home from the hospital and buried another son. I know it makes people uncomfortable to talk about it so I try not to. But it's hard because I suffer in silence. Just last week I met a friend for coffee who a little over a month ago lost her son at 39 weeks. Our connection was one that mothers fear. She shared with me that she feels so alone and empty. Her own family and friends don't know what to say or how to talk with her about it. She shared they are worried they will say the wrong thing. I know this feeling. People mean well, but they can say some stupid things. Many of you may never know a mother who is bereaving the loss of a child however if you find yourself in this uncomfortable spot here is my advice...
- Listen- Let them share their story if they want to. Listen and just simply be there. Sometimes there are no words to help them but allowing them to talk through it and share their story is an important piece of the healing process.
- If they have other children- Don't say things like be thankful for the children you do have. Think about your own children. Which one would you be ok with saying goodbye to.
- If they don't have other children- Don't say it's ok you can have another baby. There is no replacement for the child they lost.
- It happened for a reason- I've heard this and let me tell you it didn't help. There is no reason good enough for me to ever be ok with us losing our son.
- Just get through the first year- As you read the first line of this blog you can see that the pain is still there. It is a different pain but it is raw and it is there. After the first year the pain didn't go away or really change. Each memory made from the day after we lost our son is a memory that he is missing as part of our family. That doesn't change..EVER!
- Say their name- Ask your friend about their child, say their name. It is like music to my ears when people say our son's name. Even just a simple, I'm thinking of you and Brody. Hearing our son's name makes me smile.
- Don't tell them they are brave, strong or tough- I have been told, "you are so strong." I smile. But actually no one gave me a choice. You just have to cry in the shower, sob in your pillow and pray you will make it. I would choose being weak if it meant having my son here.
- Holidays/Anniversaries have to be the hardest- True, many times the holidays and their birthday are hard for me. Sometimes it is a random Wednesday at the grocery store and I see twin boys about the age my boys are or a song plays on the radio and I have to pull over to collect myself. There is no day that is harder or easier than the other. Sometimes the loss hits me at different times.
I remember thinking I would never smile again, but I did. With God's grace I have become closer to my faith. Healing is a journey that I will be on until I see our son again. My hope is that along the way I can help others start to smile again or be by their side to cry because the pain on some days can just hurt so damn bad.
