Traditions: Old and New

If you live in the Pacific Northwest you know first hand the beauty of snow and how magical it can make Christmas.  I never knew how truly magical it could be until this year on Christmas Day.  My family celebrated with our old traditions and we created some new ones.  My boys unwrapped their traditional PJ's Christmas Eve and we wrote our letters to Brody and placed them in his stocking.  Christmas morning was prefect and started at 6:30 am with 3 excited boys filling our morning with laughter and hugs. However, Christmas Day felt different. For the first time we wouldn't be traveling to my childhood home to celebrate with my parents and brothers.  Just a couple months ago my parents sold the home they have lived in for over 30 years.  I didn't realize how hard this would be for me until Christmas day when my parents stopped by our house for a bit then traveled back to their new condo. 

As I sat relaxing and looking at the aftermath of Christmas presents and the clean up that was waiting I had an idea.  Leave the mess and create some new memories.  With that we bundled up and headed out for a winter hike behind our house.  Our property backs up to an old dirt road that leads to the backside of Antoine Peak Conservation Area.  We've hiked this before in the summer and the views were amazing.  But, nothing compares to the magic of the snow and hiking through the woods, especially on Christmas Day.  A new family tradition was created that day.  I feel blessed to live in a place that is so incredibly peaceful and beautiful.  If you are lucky enough to live in a similar place don't waste it inside no matter what the weather or the day.  Get out there and enjoy the beauty that nature has to offer us.  Our boys did a great job hiking, playing in the snow and enjoying our time together.  We still have several days left of winter break and I am sure there will be several more winter hikes for us. 

No words...love this picture

Can't beat the view from the top 

Christmas day love...

Brothers 

I can see our house from the top :) 

He wanted to climb trees the entire hike 

my loves

Healing Through Helping...

It's been 8 years and I still say the same thing to myself every time I drive my car into the cemetery on a holiday.  "I hate this! I hate that this is where I have to come to say Happy Halloween or Merry Christmas to our son." I hate that I'm decorating a small little Christmas tree with our 3 other boys to take to their brother today.  As much as I hate so many things that come with losing a child a part of me is incredibly thankful for the life that I have been given.  It hasn't been until recently that I started helping others heal that have experienced the same loss that my husband and I went through.  Although every loss is different the feelings that come with grief are similar.  There is no playbook for grief.  I've read about grief more than I really want to. The unexpected stages of grief have been described as denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Before we lost our son I had my own notion of grief.  I had lost someone I loved before and I thought you push through it and get to the other side.  But, I'm learning there is no other side, there is no pushing through.  Rather there is an acceptance. Grief is not something that you complete but rather something you endure.  A task not to finish and move on from but a new way of seeing and a new definition of self.  The memory the moment right before we lost our son is one I will never forget and a feeling I never want to forget.  That moment was my happiest.  I was one excited momma to welcome our twin boys into the world.  Then everything changed, we experienced a loss like no other.  We took one son home from the hospital and buried another son.  I know it makes people uncomfortable to talk about it so I try not to.  But it's hard because I suffer in silence.  Just last week I met a friend for coffee who a little over a month ago lost her son at 39 weeks.  Our connection was one that mothers fear.  She shared with me that she feels so alone and empty.  Her own family and friends don't  know what to say or how to talk with her about it. She shared they are worried they will say the wrong thing.  I know this feeling.  People mean well, but they can say some stupid things. Many of you may never know a mother who is bereaving the loss of a child however if you find yourself in this uncomfortable spot here is my advice...

• Listen- Let them share their story if they want to.  Listen and just simply be there.  Sometimes there are no words to help them but allowing them to talk through it and share their story is an important piece of the healing process. 
• If they have other children- Don't say things like be thankful for the children you do have. Think about your own children. Which one would you be ok with saying goodbye to.  
• If they don't have other children- Don't say it's ok you can have another baby.  There is no replacement for the child they lost. 
• It happened for a reason- I've heard this and let me tell you it didn't help.  There is no reason good enough for me to ever be ok with us losing our son. 
• Just get through the first year- As you read the first line of this blog you can see that the pain is still there.  It is a different pain but it is raw and it is there.  After the first year the pain didn't go away or really change.  Each memory made from the day after we lost our son is a memory that he is missing as part of our family.  That doesn't change..EVER! 
• Say their name- Ask your friend about their child, say their name.  It is like music to my ears when people say our son's name. Even just a simple, I'm thinking of you and Brody.  Hearing our son's name makes me smile.  
• Don't tell them they are brave, strong or tough-  I have been told, "you are so strong." I smile. But actually no one gave me a choice.  You just have to cry in the shower, sob in your pillow and pray you will make it. I would choose being weak if it meant having my son here. 
• Holidays/Anniversaries have to be the hardest- True, many times the holidays and their birthday are hard for me.  Sometimes it is a random Wednesday at the grocery store and I see twin boys about the age my boys are or a song plays on the radio and I have to pull over to collect myself.  There is no day that is harder or easier than the other. Sometimes the loss hits me at different times.

I remember thinking I would never smile again, but I did.  With God's grace I have become closer to my faith. Healing is a journey that I will be on until I see our son again.  My hope is that along the way I can help others start to smile again or be by their side to cry because the pain on some days can just hurt so damn bad.  

Our little chicken flock

Blake with the chicks (March, 2017)

Kade with Rusty (July, 2017) 

Rusty free ranging in the yard 

Since getting little chicks in March the boys have been patiently waiting the day that they started laying eggs.  Ok, maybe I have had to be a bit more patient than them.  Finally, the other morning while walking out to check on the girls Kade held up a little chicken egg from their nesting box.  We were all so very excited!  Having chickens has been one of the best things we have done.  Not only are they incredibly fun to have around but the boys have been learning lots of little lessons on caring for animals.  We had to say goodbye to one of our sweet chickens who developed a disease that started paralyzing her.  Kev took the boys and buried her by a tree close to the shop.  Kade has named it the June bug tree after his sweet chicken.  So we are down to 7 chickens and they each have their own unique personality.  Rusty (Rhode Island Red) is easy going and laid back, she will let you pick her up all the time or just sits in your lap in the yard.  Prascilla (also a Rhode Island Red) is pretty easy going as well but won't let you hold her as often.  Then we have Henny and Rocky who are both Ameraucana and really pretty birds.  They lay blue or green eggs and the boys can't wait to see one.  Hopefully they will begin laying soon.  Henny keeps sleeping in the nesting box instead of on the roost so each night we go out right at dark and move her to the roost.  I think she is finally understanding where to sleep and where to lay.  Our last three chickens are Curry, May and Daisy.  They are Leghorn chickens which can be very nervous and flighty. However, Curry has become very fond of Blake who named him.  No, not for chicken curry but after his favorite basketball player Steph Curry.  These little ladies know how to lay eggs.  We started free ranging the chickens a couple months ago once they were a little bigger.  They can be a bit messy especially in the bark around the front and side of the house.  Which has led us to start replacing the bark with rock sooner than we had planned.  All in all having chickens has been amazing.

10 acres to free range and Rusty loves the front of the house :)

Summer

It's almost here...I can feel the warmth of the summer sun on my skin! Two more work days and then I am finally off for the summer.  5 weeks of glorious time with just me and my boys! Precious time that I have been looking forward to for months now!

All over Pinterest I keep seeing my mom friends pin about summer practice worksheets for their kids, daily chores/rules before fun and keeping your kids in a "school like" routine.  As an educator many may be surprised when I say...screw that!  Summer is a time for kids to relax and enjoy BEING A KID! All school year long our kids are working hard in their classrooms learning.  I see so many of our students going from school to multiple sports practices/games, camps, scouts and then home for homework.  All of this squeezed into a 24 hour time frame that is leaving them exhausted.  Sure, I was busy growing up playing sports and completing school work but nothing like the way it is today. I remember my summer break being filled with kick the can, capture the flag, riding bikes with friends down to circle k to get a slurpee, playing tennis at the high school and fishing at the pond. If we said we were bored our parents told us to go find something to do.  The crazy part is we did without a list of options hung up on the fridge to pick from.  We were required to think and problem solve on our own!

As a working mom my days are beyond busy and just like my kiddos I am extremely excited to sleep in and not have a strict routine that we have to follow.  I want to be outside. I want to go swimming. I want to read a good book.  I want to stay in my PJ's till noon.  I want nothing that has to do with work.  So, why do we think our kids want to do math worksheets or practice their handwriting...they don't.  One education philosophy I hold close is that kids learn through play.  Instead of making your kiddo sit at the table and do "summer homework" make it a game, play 21 if you want your child to work on addition. We have a fun board game that works on addition and subtraction facts that the boys love to play.  Reading practice can happen with reading a recipe, directions, or ask them what they want to learn about and head to the library to look for books.  If the book is above their reading level, sit on the back porch and read it to them.  Talk about it.  Have fun learning about something new together.  Try some science experiments, take a hike and learn about nature, build a fort, go on a picnic, simply enjoy your time with them.  They will only be little for so long!