Things we learned in marriage counseling....

Today marks nine years since I slipped into my white wedding dress and walked down the aisle to find the man of my dreams waiting to whisk me away to happily ever after.  Nine years later and tonight we aren't celebrating with a fancy dinner instead we are heading to the ball park to watch our two youngest boys play baseball and that is exactly where I want us to be.   We have had many great years together and we have had some not so great years together.  The struggle of marriage is real.  We have been jealous of one another, fought about money, how to parent our boys but in the end we are a team who supports each other through this journey of marriage.  We started going to a marriage counselor about six months ago, something we should have done 7 years ago after we lost our son, Brody.  I wish we would have gone and talked about my guilt, the pain and how we move forward together.  I believe that if we would have tried counseling then some of the mistakes and pain that I caused in our marriage wouldn't have happened.  But, you can't live in the past with regret! All you can do is move forward and that is where we are now.  We have both learned so much about ourselves and each other through marriage counseling. There are many things that we have discovered in our marriage counseling sessions that have helped.  For us, communication is HUGE!  I've heard it a million times before but the truth is many times in our marriage we stopped communicating with each other.  There are several reasons why, from kids to jobs to you simply stop saying the same thing over and over to your spouse because you sound like a broken record! With communication you have to express your needs and not get defensive when you hear something you disagree about.  I found out through counseling that I do this and it shuts my husband down and he doesn't talk...he's a very quiet person as it is so this is key for me to remember when he is telling me his needs or talking to me about something that is bothering him. During counseling one of our homework assignments was to find each other's love language.  I thought for sure I knew my husbands without him even taking the quiz.  For years I was intentionally meeting his needs or so I thought! Imagine my surprise when I found out he was a physical touch guy and not an acts of service guy.  Of course when I heard this I rolled my eyes because I thought most guys must be physical touch. That just means having sex but then my hubby explained it to me.  He told me that he loves when we are driving in the car and I grab his hand to hold.  When we are sitting next to one another and I put my hand on his leg.  When I walk up to him and just wrap my arms around him and give him a hug.  I know my husband feels closest to me when we are having sex but it's those simple things that make him feel the most loved. So, I make it a priority to do those things more.  My husband learned that I am a quality time gal and that just simple spending some one on one time with me is all that I need.  I don't need fancy dinners, vacations or expensive gifts.  I just simply like that time together. One thing my hubby and I started to do at night is go on walks.  We have discovered some cool hiking trails right up the hill from our house.  Many nights you can find us taking a hike to sit on the rocks at the top of the mountain and watch the sun set.  Sometimes the boys come with us and other times they stay at home with our oldest.  It's those times that mean so much to me.  For us communicating our needs and listening to one another has improved our marriage, all things we wouldn't have known if we hadn't gone to counseling. Although there have been some bumps in the road and times where we felt like we lost it all, in the end we still had one another and a marriage worth saving.  Marriage takes work, honesty, trust, forgiveness, and love.  All things that I hope we have shown our children over the last nine years and will continue to show them for many, many more!