Healing Through Helping...

It's been 8 years and I still say the same thing to myself every time I drive my car into the cemetery on a holiday.  "I hate this! I hate that this is where I have to come to say Happy Halloween or Merry Christmas to our son." I hate that I'm decorating a small little Christmas tree with our 3 other boys to take to their brother today.  As much as I hate so many things that come with losing a child a part of me is incredibly thankful for the life that I have been given.  It hasn't been until recently that I started helping others heal that have experienced the same loss that my husband and I went through.  Although every loss is different the feelings that come with grief are similar.  There is no playbook for grief.  I've read about grief more than I really want to. The unexpected stages of grief have been described as denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Before we lost our son I had my own notion of grief.  I had lost someone I loved before and I thought you push through it and get to the other side.  But, I'm learning there is no other side, there is no pushing through.  Rather there is an acceptance. Grief is not something that you complete but rather something you endure.  A task not to finish and move on from but a new way of seeing and a new definition of self.  The memory the moment right before we lost our son is one I will never forget and a feeling I never want to forget.  That moment was my happiest.  I was one excited momma to welcome our twin boys into the world.  Then everything changed, we experienced a loss like no other.  We took one son home from the hospital and buried another son.  I know it makes people uncomfortable to talk about it so I try not to.  But it's hard because I suffer in silence.  Just last week I met a friend for coffee who a little over a month ago lost her son at 39 weeks.  Our connection was one that mothers fear.  She shared with me that she feels so alone and empty.  Her own family and friends don't  know what to say or how to talk with her about it. She shared they are worried they will say the wrong thing.  I know this feeling.  People mean well, but they can say some stupid things. Many of you may never know a mother who is bereaving the loss of a child however if you find yourself in this uncomfortable spot here is my advice...

• Listen- Let them share their story if they want to.  Listen and just simply be there.  Sometimes there are no words to help them but allowing them to talk through it and share their story is an important piece of the healing process. 
• If they have other children- Don't say things like be thankful for the children you do have. Think about your own children. Which one would you be ok with saying goodbye to.  
• If they don't have other children- Don't say it's ok you can have another baby.  There is no replacement for the child they lost. 
• It happened for a reason- I've heard this and let me tell you it didn't help.  There is no reason good enough for me to ever be ok with us losing our son. 
• Just get through the first year- As you read the first line of this blog you can see that the pain is still there.  It is a different pain but it is raw and it is there.  After the first year the pain didn't go away or really change.  Each memory made from the day after we lost our son is a memory that he is missing as part of our family.  That doesn't change..EVER! 
• Say their name- Ask your friend about their child, say their name.  It is like music to my ears when people say our son's name. Even just a simple, I'm thinking of you and Brody.  Hearing our son's name makes me smile.  
• Don't tell them they are brave, strong or tough-  I have been told, "you are so strong." I smile. But actually no one gave me a choice.  You just have to cry in the shower, sob in your pillow and pray you will make it. I would choose being weak if it meant having my son here. 
• Holidays/Anniversaries have to be the hardest- True, many times the holidays and their birthday are hard for me.  Sometimes it is a random Wednesday at the grocery store and I see twin boys about the age my boys are or a song plays on the radio and I have to pull over to collect myself.  There is no day that is harder or easier than the other. Sometimes the loss hits me at different times.

I remember thinking I would never smile again, but I did.  With God's grace I have become closer to my faith. Healing is a journey that I will be on until I see our son again.  My hope is that along the way I can help others start to smile again or be by their side to cry because the pain on some days can just hurt so damn bad.  

Our little chicken flock

Blake with the chicks (March, 2017)

Kade with Rusty (July, 2017) 

Rusty free ranging in the yard 

Since getting little chicks in March the boys have been patiently waiting the day that they started laying eggs.  Ok, maybe I have had to be a bit more patient than them.  Finally, the other morning while walking out to check on the girls Kade held up a little chicken egg from their nesting box.  We were all so very excited!  Having chickens has been one of the best things we have done.  Not only are they incredibly fun to have around but the boys have been learning lots of little lessons on caring for animals.  We had to say goodbye to one of our sweet chickens who developed a disease that started paralyzing her.  Kev took the boys and buried her by a tree close to the shop.  Kade has named it the June bug tree after his sweet chicken.  So we are down to 7 chickens and they each have their own unique personality.  Rusty (Rhode Island Red) is easy going and laid back, she will let you pick her up all the time or just sits in your lap in the yard.  Prascilla (also a Rhode Island Red) is pretty easy going as well but won't let you hold her as often.  Then we have Henny and Rocky who are both Ameraucana and really pretty birds.  They lay blue or green eggs and the boys can't wait to see one.  Hopefully they will begin laying soon.  Henny keeps sleeping in the nesting box instead of on the roost so each night we go out right at dark and move her to the roost.  I think she is finally understanding where to sleep and where to lay.  Our last three chickens are Curry, May and Daisy.  They are Leghorn chickens which can be very nervous and flighty. However, Curry has become very fond of Blake who named him.  No, not for chicken curry but after his favorite basketball player Steph Curry.  These little ladies know how to lay eggs.  We started free ranging the chickens a couple months ago once they were a little bigger.  They can be a bit messy especially in the bark around the front and side of the house.  Which has led us to start replacing the bark with rock sooner than we had planned.  All in all having chickens has been amazing.

10 acres to free range and Rusty loves the front of the house :)

Summer

It's almost here...I can feel the warmth of the summer sun on my skin! Two more work days and then I am finally off for the summer.  5 weeks of glorious time with just me and my boys! Precious time that I have been looking forward to for months now!

All over Pinterest I keep seeing my mom friends pin about summer practice worksheets for their kids, daily chores/rules before fun and keeping your kids in a "school like" routine.  As an educator many may be surprised when I say...screw that!  Summer is a time for kids to relax and enjoy BEING A KID! All school year long our kids are working hard in their classrooms learning.  I see so many of our students going from school to multiple sports practices/games, camps, scouts and then home for homework.  All of this squeezed into a 24 hour time frame that is leaving them exhausted.  Sure, I was busy growing up playing sports and completing school work but nothing like the way it is today. I remember my summer break being filled with kick the can, capture the flag, riding bikes with friends down to circle k to get a slurpee, playing tennis at the high school and fishing at the pond. If we said we were bored our parents told us to go find something to do.  The crazy part is we did without a list of options hung up on the fridge to pick from.  We were required to think and problem solve on our own!

As a working mom my days are beyond busy and just like my kiddos I am extremely excited to sleep in and not have a strict routine that we have to follow.  I want to be outside. I want to go swimming. I want to read a good book.  I want to stay in my PJ's till noon.  I want nothing that has to do with work.  So, why do we think our kids want to do math worksheets or practice their handwriting...they don't.  One education philosophy I hold close is that kids learn through play.  Instead of making your kiddo sit at the table and do "summer homework" make it a game, play 21 if you want your child to work on addition. We have a fun board game that works on addition and subtraction facts that the boys love to play.  Reading practice can happen with reading a recipe, directions, or ask them what they want to learn about and head to the library to look for books.  If the book is above their reading level, sit on the back porch and read it to them.  Talk about it.  Have fun learning about something new together.  Try some science experiments, take a hike and learn about nature, build a fort, go on a picnic, simply enjoy your time with them.  They will only be little for so long! 

Baking with my boys...

Christmas break is simply the BEST time of the year.  By this time in the school year I am ready for a "little break" away from the craziness that being an elementary assistant principal can bring. I always think it will be time to just relax and enjoy my boys!  Of course I offered to host Christmas Eve for my husband's side of the family since I had the time off.  This meant the first couple days off where cleaning, food prepping and getting everything ready for the jolly big guy to come visit.  This year our time off before Christmas was shorter than any other year leading up to the holiday.  It felt like the first week of break was extremely busy and time went by quickly but I wouldn't change any of it!  I couldn't let break pass by without making cookies and treats with my boys.  Being in the kitchen is truly one of my happiest places to be.  Baking is one of my greatest memories as a kid.  I loved helping my mom bake and make chocolate chip cookies during the holidays.  Kade, my youngest is always eager to help me in the kitchen.  He loves helping me get out all of the baking goods, measuring cups. mixers and bowls.  He helps read the directions and we have so much fun creating what he calls "yummies" together! Over the holiday we created some of our family favorites, Christmas Cheesecake, Sugar Cookies and Raindeer mix.  We also added in some new treats that were a big hit as well.  With 5 more days off I'm sure Kade will talk me into making some more treats but for now here are the recipes that we have made thus far over the holidays....

Christmas Cheesecake

For the crust:
12 honey graham crackers
1/3 cup butter, melted

For the Cheesecake:

4 8oz packages cream cheese, softened
1 cup sour cream
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
1 tbsp cornstarch
1/8 tsp salt
2 tsp lemon juice
1 tsp vanilla extract

For the Raspberry Sauce

2 pints raspberry
1/4 cup sugar
1 tbsp lemon juice

Making the crust
1. Preheat the oven to 350 with a rack in the middle lower part of the oven.
2. Grease a 9-inch spring form pan with butter
3. Wrap the pan with foil, making sure the bottom is completely covered. Reserve.
4. Crush the graham cracker in a food processor until finely crumbled
5. Mix the crumbs and the melted butter until it resembles wet sand.  Place the mixture in the bottom of the springform pan, press firmly and evenly on the bottom.
6. Bake the crust for 8-10 minutes or until it starts to brown (just slightly) Take it from the oven and let it cool.

Making the cheesecake
1. Beat the cream cheese, sour cream, sugar, cornstarch, salt, lemon juice, and vanilla extract until creamy and without any lumps about 5 minutes on medium speed.  Mix it a little extra with a spatula to make sure everything is incorporated and mixed together with no lumps.
2. Mix the eggs, one at a time, over low speed, just until blended. The mixture should be creamy and silky.
3. Pour the batter over the cooled crust.
4. Set the springform pan- still wrapped in foil in a baking dish.  Fill it with enough boiling water to cover 2 inches of the bottom of the pan.  Bring the whole set to the oven and bake at 350 degrees for 55 minutes or until the outside looks slightly puffed but the center is still jiggly.
5. Once cheesecake is done, turn off the oven but keep the cheesecake in there, cooling for at least an hour.  Place on wire rack after an hour and cool completely before moving to the fridge,
6. Chill the cheesecake overnight, uncovered.
7. Before serving, let the cheesecake stand at room temperature, about 30 minutes.
8.  Unmold the cake, transfer to a serving dish and top with the raspberry sauce.

Making the Raspberry sauce

1.  Combing all ingredients in a saucepan and cook for about 10 minutes or until the raspberries are broken down.  If you like, pass the sauce through a strainer to remove the seeds.
2. Let it cool and serve over the cheesecake.  I like to add some fresh raspberries to the top as well.  Enjoy!

Sugar Cookies

1 cup unsalted butter
1 cup granulated sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 tsp almond extract
1 egg
2 tsp baking powder
3 cups all purpose flour

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2.  In a bowl mixer cream butter and sugar until smooth,  about 3 minutes.
3. Beat in the extract and the egg
4.  In a separate bowl combine the baking powder and flour and add a little at a time to the wet ingredients.  The dough will be very stiff.  If it becomes too stiff for your mixer turn out the dough on the countertop surface.  Wet your hands first and finish kneading the dough by hand. (I always have to do this step)
5. You do not chill the dough.  I separate it out for each of my boys with a little flour on the surface.  They can be a little on the thicker side about 1/4 of an inch.  Have fun cutting out your shapes and bake on a greased cookie sheet for 8 minutes.  Let cool before removing the cookies onto wax paper.

Frosting

1/2 stick butter, room temperature
4 cups powder sugar
1 tsp vanilla
2-3 tbs milk
food coloring

Mix all ingredients.  Add food coloring and enjoy decorating your sweet treat!

Raindeer Mix

Box Chex cereal
Holiday m&ms
1 cup semi sweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup unsalted butter
1 cup peanut butter
1 tsp vanilla
4-5 cups powder sugar
2 cups pretzels

1. melt the peanut butter, butter and milk chocolate in the microwave for about a minute, mix and then heat for another 30 seconds.
2. In a large bowl, empty the chex cereal.
3. Mix the chocolate mixture over the chex cereal.
4. Add 4-5 cups powder sugar in a gallon size bag.
5.  Add in the cereal mixture and let powder sugar coat the cereal.
6. Empty back into the large bowl, add m&m's and pretzels

Peppermint Kiss Oreo Balls

2 tbs peppermint mocha creamer
1 chocolate or Vanilla Almond Bark
1 reg package oreos
1 package cream cheese
Candy canes
peppermint kisses

1.  Cream cheese to room temperature
2. Put half the oreos in a food processor and pulse until you have oreo crumbs. Add the other half of oreos to the food processor and pulse again, until all the oreos are fine crumbs.
3. Add the cream cheese and international delight creamer to the food processor, mix until well blended.
4.  Line the baking sheet with silicone baking mat.  Use a small cookies scoop to form uniform oreo balls.  Place a peppermint kiss inside each oreo ball, roll it into a ball and place on a baking sheet.  Freeze the oreo ball for 20 minutes.
5. Meanwhile place the candy canes in a plastic bag cover with a towel and use a rolling pin to crush them into small pieces, set aside.
6.  After 20 minutes begin to melt the chocolate or white chocolate almond bark in a small pot over low heat on the stove.  Stir occasionally until the bark is completely melted.
7.  Remove the oreo balls from the freezer.  To dip place one oreo ball in the pot of melted chocolate.  Spoon chocolate over the side that isn't covered.  Place on silicone mat.  Continue dipping all oreo balls.  Let each oreo ball sit for one minute and then sprinkle with crushed candy canes on top.
8.  Allow them to cool to room temperature.  Store in the fridge.

Love watching these two decorate their sugar cookies

Happy Boys!!! 

Nothing better than teaching them how to help in the kitchen! 

Blakers happy with his ZAGS sugar cookie!  

True Love

In November my parents, brothers and our spouses all traveled to San Diego to join in the celebration of my cousin Ryan's wedding to his beautiful bride Lindsay.  The picture above was captured during my cousin's speech at the reception where he thanked my mom and dad for traveling during her difficult battle with cancer.  Two people that I love more than anything with two very different emotions.  One holding strong and one falling apart.  Isn't that what a marriage is made of.  I've heard the saying before how you take turns being strong for one another during difficult times.  I have watched my parents show this over the last six months while I've watched my dad take care of my mother.  His loving ways, sweet kisses on her forehead to telling her how beautiful she is everyday.  My parents have been married for 43 years.  They met when my mom was 15 and my dad was 16.  To watch the two of them together, hard times and all, makes me so incredibly thankful that I have their love as a role model for my own marriage.  Yesterday, my mom and I sat together as we waited for my dad to be out of surgery.  Now I watch as my mom, fighting herself was the strength for both of them.  She showed her emotion of crying when talking with the doctor, thankful that the surgery went well and my dad was recovering.  Her big smile when she saw my dad and caring nature as she sat in the recover room taking care of him. I am simply in awe of her strength.  The saying "difficult times always create opportunities for you to experience more love in your life," brings new meaning to me.  Watching my parents and their unconditional love is a wonderful reminder to follow in their path of grace, love, kindness and joy with my own marriage.

The Perfect Holiday...

Days leading up to the holidays normally have me rushing around trying to finish up the last of our shopping, food prepping and getting everything just perfect! It was no different a couple weeks ago when I found myself stressed trying to make sure that everything was just right for our first Thanksgiving with family in our new home.  I spent weeks leading up to the holiday pinning recipes on Pinterest, grocery shopping and prepping food ahead of time and planning out a cleaning schedule because this year I wanted more than anything for things to be absolutely perfect!  The weekend before Thanksgiving I was in an incredible stressful, snappy mood and my poor husband could tell that something just wasn't right with me.  After 12 years together he has become accustom to my type A personality so he knows how "crazy" I get when people are coming over.  This holiday though he knew something was different with me.  After he helped clean around the house and tried to help with some food prep I simply fell apart in the kitchen.  I didn't realize the amount of pressure that I was putting on myself and it took him taking me in his arms, holding me while I sobbed to simply tell him what was on my mind.  I didn't realize what was wrong until that moment. I told him how worried I was that this could be my mom's last Thanksgiving and how incredibly hard this has been for me. I just wanted everything to be perfect for my mom.  Ever since my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer I have tried to remain positive and not think about what could happen if she wasn't here with us.  The holidays had me thinking more and more about loved ones that aren't with us and how much I miss them. It was simply too easy for me to turn my thoughts negative and how this Thanksgiving was so important for my family.  Talking with my husband I realized how it didn't matter if my cooking was perfect or if the house was spotless.  What mattered was that we would all be together, laughing and enjoying these moments.  Moments that we will never get back.  This year over the holidays I am working on letting go.  Letting go of not having everything perfect because let's be honest, the only one who knows it isn't "perfect" is me!

 I am turning my stress and hard times this holiday into something positive.  For me it will be a chance to relax, simply enjoy and grow as a person.  I'm looking forward to creating more memories with my mom, boys and family.  Just yesterday I left the piles of laundry in the baskets and enjoyed a Saturday morning breakfast at Conley's Place with my boys, hubby and mom and dad. We spent the rest of the morning at the Davenport viewing the Trees of Elegance.  The afternoon was spent cuddling with my littles as we watched our Zags win another big game! I am letting go with my Christmas shopping too because for the first time ever I've ordered gifts online and had them delivered right to our door.  This has given me more time to relax. Right now I am enjoy typing by the fire, snow is falling outside and I am watching my boys sled down our hill from our living room window.  Now that is perfection and what this time of year is all about!

The move

It's been a little over a week and we are getting settled into our new house.  I have never been more excited to make our place a home.  Waking up each morning seeing the views of the mountains and looking out to see nothing but trees and wildlife on our property is simply breathtaking.  One of the boys favorite daily activity is chasing the turkeys, which brings a huge smile to my face.  These are memories that I know will last a lifetime for our boys.  Last weekend the hubby and I made our first trip to the "Country" store and bought some deer feed and some supplies to get started on making our chicken coop.  The boys helped us out in the shop as we began making the frame.  They just may be a little more excited then I am to raise some chickens.  I never thought that living out on some property would be this relaxing and fun.  The hard part is getting in the car each morning and heading into work and school for the boys.  All I want to do is be at home! I'm following my word for this year and living each day in the moment and just simply soaking it all up.  I do find myself thinking ahead and am excited for upcoming sledding parties with family and friend when it finally snows, bonfires, Thanksgiving and Christmas in our new home and summer relaxing reading a book in peace as the boys play. There are still many boxes that need to be unpacked, rooms to be decorated and things to be organized but I know there will be plenty of time for that.  As for now, I will go back to enjoying this moment for our family.